Communication

There are some topics that almost always present themselves in therapy sessions: sex, money and probably most common- communication.Communication builds understanding and trust. When things are going well even indirect communication can be  effective and smooth. When things get hard, is when direct communication becomes vital. Most of us will admit being guilty of expecting our partner to be able to read our mind, for example: ”Why do I need to ask for help? Why can’t they just see I need it?” Asking for help and accepting help are two different things, both equally difficult. Needing help is a human need.  We are entitled to ask for and receive help. When our partner offers to help sometimes, we worry they may feel they could do it better or that they think we are weak- just accept the help!

 Communication about hard things is just that, hard. Sometimes out of protection of fear of upsetting difficult subjects are not brought up.  Confrontation is hard but you  always feel better afterwards instead of letting it fester and never addressing what is bothering you. Prefacing the conversations with “This is hard for me, and I have hesitated because I don’t want to make you: emotional/upset/angry (insert word). Even with our partners we tend to practice

keyboard courage… Think about how much easier it is to send an honest message via text or email. That of course lends itself to misinterpretation of tone and/or purpose. 

Communication should be clear, concise, intentional, honest, frank, specific. Avoid saying  “You make me feel___________ “ and shift to “I feel____________ when________.” State in the terms of what you need and feel and not what they are or are not doing.

Acknowledge the hard. If you need to step away for fear of saying something you

would regret or just to take a deep breath, do it,  but explain it.  Don’t just walk away, simply say, “I need a minute or I need to regroup.”

Communication works for those who work at it. It does take practice!